Time For Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met." Rodney Dangerfield

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." Rodney Dangerfield

"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get." Rodney Dangerfield

"I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it." Rodney Dangerfield

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too." Rodney Dangerfield

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." Rodney Dangerfield

"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people." Rodney Dangerfield

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest." Rodney Dangerfield

Dangerfield during an open air show in New York in 1978

Rodney Dangerfield (born Jacob Cohen, November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004) was an American comedian, and actor, known for the catchphrase "I don't get no respect!," and his monologues on that theme. He is also remembered for his 1980s film roles, especially in Easy Money, Caddyshack, and Back To School.

Dangerfield was born in Babylon, New York, Deer Park, Long Island. He was the son of Jewish parents, the vaudevillian performer Phil Roy (Philip Cohen) and Dotty Teitelbaum. His ancestors came to the United States from Hungary. He would later say that his father "was never home—he was out looking to make other kids", and that his mother "brought him up all wrong".
Read more about Rodney Dangerfield at Wikipedia

"My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend." Rodney Dangerfield

"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself." Rodney Dangerfield

"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going." Rodney Dangerfield

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet." Rodney Dangerfield

"Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'" Rodney Dangerfield

"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest." Rodney Dangerfield

"This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me." Rodney Dangerfield

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife." Rodney Dangerfield

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." Rodney Dangerfield

"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me." Rodney Dangerfield

"My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend." Rodney Dangerfield

"When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up." Rodney Dangerfield

"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother." Rodney Dangerfield

"Men who do things without being told draw the most wages." Rodney Dangerfield

"A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home." Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock." Rodney Dangerfield

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." Rodney Dangerfield

"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm." Rodney Dangerfield

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive." Rodney Dangerfield

"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid." Rodney Dangerfield

"I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot." Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was." Rodney Dangerfield

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it." Rodney Dangerfield

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." Rodney Dangerfield

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie." Rodney Dangerfield

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home." Rodney Dangerfield

"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me." Rodney Dangerfield

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." Rodney Dangerfield

"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." Rodney Dangerfield

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born." Rodney Dangerfield

"I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette." Rodney Dangerfield

"One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control." Rodney Dangerfield

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof." Rodney Dangerfield

"Life is just a bowl of pits." Rodney Dangerfield